So you want to be an AA model? Well, we have a few questions for you to ask yourself before you even fill out the application form below.
1) How’s your come-hither-and-take-advantage-of-me look? We pay our ameature photographers top dollar to take pictures of you in a basement that looks like it was once owned by a sex-slave trafficker who took pictures of children on the coincidentally identical mattresses you’ll be posing on to sell kids to pedophiles. We want to recreate that look as much as possible, so look up “five year old’s first time” on Google or YouTube and practice that look of fear in the mirror over and over again.
2) Are you comfortable with your body? Yes, we are a clothing company, but eighty-nine percent of the time you won’t be wearing any clothing at all. We consider ourselves a revolutionary company throwing it back to before the nineteenth amendment minus the flapper dresses- not revealing enough.
3) Are you a butterface? No problem at all! We really don’t discriminate against women who have ugly faces as long as their body’s banging. Your face won’t even be in the shot most of the time. Just make sure you keep up with the squats, leg lifts, and crunches. After you’ve been working for us for a few months we’ll even pay for lipo, a tummy tuck, and even a boob job if you need it.
4) How flexible are you? No, not your time schedule, we mean physically. Can you do the splits? Fantastic! You’ll be putting your gymnast skills to the test leaving nothing up to the male imagination. You’re going to show it all! You should really do those butterfly stretches and get used to it. Your genitals will be in full view for everyone in every country our ads haven’t been banned from yet to see and enjoy!
5) Are your eyes sensitive? Remember how we said we’re going for that child-porn star look? That means you need to cry… A LOT. No tears will be in the pictures chosen for the final ad, but your eyes better be so red the public will mistake the I-was-just-crying look for I-just-got-high. We keep a kryolan menthol stick on hand at every shoot in case you can’t cry on command, but after seeing the “five year old’s first time” pictures or videos, how hard can it be? Sure, your eyes will be burning hotter than the fiery Hell all of us ad campaign idea makers are going to, but we’re American Apparel and you want to become one of our sex-slave, don’t you?
Thanks for considering AA as the next step in your modeling career! We hope to objectify you in every way possible!